Jokes

[zero]

The place where you can tell us funny stuff/quotes/jokes so we can have a good laugh.

[zero]

"Here in canada, we have a special program to deal with the homeless, its called "winter""

The tragedy of Canada is they could have had British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French technology.

If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents, I would be Canada.


funny quote:
<jenn> canada is ned flanders to usa's homer simpson.
<slurpee> hahahahahahahah
<slurpee> so true
<slurpee> "hidely-hodely, neighborino!" "shut up, canada."

Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters, and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels and 3 canadian mounties


Canada: Home of the largest French population never to surrender to Germany.


<@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> im from uganda
<@cylyk> interesting
<@cylyk> i'm canadian!
<@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> actually im not from uganda
<@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> where is canada?
<@swolf> its an american expansion pack


some of the quotes are from IRC. I'm not against Canada or something.. i just love the quotes made up for that country:)

[zero]

<F|Mizan> "Canada.com is reporting that some 20,000 Canadians listed "Jedi" as their religion in the last national census (2001)"
<M|SubAt0Mic> No wonder the US doesn't respect us


<Dain-EvenDumber> I have a theory
<Dain-EvenDumber> A theory that the current Prime Minister of Canada is the smartest man on the planet
<Dain-EvenDumber> And his brilliant ideas would have ushered Canada into a new age of prosperity and power, overcoming even the United States...
<Dain-EvenDumber> if only people could understand what he was saying


<Archer> Of course, the most annoying part
<Archer> Was "My heart will go on" ;_;
<Luger> all of canada sincerely apologizes for Celine Dion
<Luger> in our defense, she's french


<tak> if i move to canada ill be so rich
<tak> cause your money sucks
<disco-stu> yep
<disco-stu> but at least our country doesnt!
<tak> haha
<Ped> haha
<vivid> haha
<aj> haha
<blakangel> haha


these are all IRC quotes.. taken from the IRC medium.

[HEffie]

LOL, and you say you have nothing against Canada? Somebody here must be upsetting you:).
I don't have any good jokes right now...except the one with the turtles which I translated in the Romanian jokes section...perhaps I'll find the original hehehhe :) funny turtles :).

[StarmanDeluxe]

<tak> if i move to canada ill be so rich
<tak> cause your money sucks
<disco-stu> yep
<disco-stu> but at least our country doesnt!
<tak> haha
<Ped> haha
<vivid> haha
<aj> haha
<blakangel> haha


HAHA! I started laughing out loud at that.

I had a horrilble childhood. My father was a blackjack dealer in Vegas. He used to hit me till I was 17.

*rimshot*

[zero]

<by> Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?
<Seven7> Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession
<by> Kk
<by> I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
<by> ?
<by> Now what?
<Seven7> Don't worry. It's done

[HEffie]

I started laughing out loud at the 50 cent joke..when Conan O'Brien came to Canada and he's like...you know the rapper 50 cent would be 75 cent here...and I went wild hehehehhe.DOesn't take much for me :P

[Diplomat]

Yeah, I remember that one. :) Did you like the bit about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog talking with Quebecians and making fun of the province? Man, that got the Canadians mad. :)

[HEffie]

I remember the dog, but I'm not sure who you're reffering to? Did he insult the Canadians or the Quebecans? Cause Quebecans only admit they're Canadian when Canada does something great and they wanna piece of it (eg Olympic glory) but otherwise they consider themselves apart :).

[Diplomat]

Yeah, he went to Quebec and insulted people on the street. He talked in English but the people mostly responded in French. It was hilarious. ("You're French-Canadian, yes? ... So you're dull AND obnoxious?") It stirred up a lot of controversy. I think some government officials wanted Conan to apologize.

[HEffie]

Yeah, he had to apologize for asking them whether they're separatists...which they CLEARLY are, at least the lesser half, but yeah...doesn't make sense to me, they're the ones always wanting it. If you go to Quebec..the majority speaks English, but half of 'em won't respond in English, they insist on speaking Quebecois. I've had a hard time understanding the thought patterns and all that that goes behind wanting to separate as a province and become your own country in the middle of a huge country that's also attached to the US.
I cannot imagine where they'd have resources and the economy from in order to survive...

[zero]

i like the celine dion quote:)

[HEffie]

Which is???Did I miss that one?

[zero]

i think you did
"<Archer> Of course, the most annoying part
<Archer> Was "My heart will go on" ;_;
<Luger> all of canada sincerely apologizes for Celine Dion
<Luger> in our defense, she's french"

[HEffie]

Oh, lol, yeah I saw it, cause I remember thinking...whatever she's not french she's Quebecois :p they're a whole other breed. I really wanna go visit and see for myself though!

[zero]

obviously, american or candian arent that funny since i didnt see quite many jokes around here providing from you guys:)

[HEffie]

NO, they're not actually, you've just hit the point right on the dot.

[goddessofnin]

There were two naughty brothers who were always getting into trouble.

One day, their town priest, wanting to instill the fear of God into them, called one of them to the church.

The priest asked him: "Do you know where God is?"

He looked at the priest without a word.

Again, the priest asked him: "Do you KNOW where God is?"

The boy, frightened by the priest's tone ran from the church to find his brother. Upon finding his brother, the frightened boy said to him:

"We are really in trouble now... God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"

heehee

[HEffie]

loooooooool hehehehehe that was good....they're so like that :p .

[Diplomat]

LOL! :D

So that's when the brainwashing starts.

[olliep13]

I don't have a joke but I do have a conundrum:

Two men walk into a bar. They both order the same drink (bourbon on the rocks). The first man quickly finishes his drink and is out of the bar within two minutes of having entered it. However, the second man stays at the bar, slowly drinking his drink. Consequently, the second man dies a long and painful death.

Why is this so?

[goddessofnin]

The ice cubes are poisoned.

[HEffie]

yeah pch, he instantly died of Hepatitis?I dunno about that heheheheh :) .

[Diplomat]

Yeah, that's it, GofN. The best I could come up with was that the first guy poisoned the second guy's drink, but that's obviously not it. :)

[HEffie]

Maybe he breathed it in cause he was drinking it so slowly and then drowned...I dunno? :D

[Diplomat]

Breathed what in? The ice cubes melted while he was drinking it, releasing the poison.

[olliep13]

Yeah thats correct. The ice cubes contained poison and as they melted the man's drink became poisonous. So he died.

[HEffie]

So it was indeed hepatitis? WOW!Wellt hey had a commercial like that a while back with a big fuscha drink with a cute little umbrella and some "ananas" on the side (sorry, I can't remember the English word for it right now...but we all know that much french so...) and there was condensation and all that juicy stuff with some carribean music playing in the background or something...and then they tell you how it kills you :D .

[goddessofnin]

This is true:

In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Also in Alabama, boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

In Alaska it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

In Arizona it is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine.

In Tombstone, Arizona it is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

Also in Arkansas, oral sex is considered to be sodomy.

*rofl* Man, those are some DUMB Laws....

More to come later.

[HEffie]

Yeah I remember reading some of those...they are absolutely whack!!!

[Diplomat]

Yeah, here's another bizarre one. In NC or SC, you have to pay taxes on marijuana that you possess. You have to go to a tax facility with your pot and have them weight it, stamp it, and tell you how much you owe. They are not allowed to turn you in for possession. But if you get caught with untaxed pot, you're charged for 2 crimes, possession and tax fraud.

[goddessofnin]

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Also in California, women may not drive in a house coat.

In Colorado, it is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

Also in Colorado, it is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

In Connecticut, in order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Also in Connecticut, it is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

*snicker* I love dumb laws...

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa, and of course a Fantastic New Year. :)

I probably won't be back until after New Year's.

Take care!!! :)

[HEffie]

Ok, officially, Connecticut takes the prize for the dumbest laws hahahahha, hilarity!!

[goddessofnin]

In Delaware, it is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Also in Delaware, "R" rated movies shall not be shown at drive-in theaters.

In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

Also in Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

Also in Florida (heheh these are really good):

- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

- It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

- Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

- Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

- It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

- When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

- You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

and finally:

- It is considered an offense to shower naked.

Wow... hehehe so glad I never got arrested or fined for showering naked in the hotel at Disney.

[goddessofnin]

In Georgia, it is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.

Also in Georgia, all sex toys are banned.

In Hawaii, all residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

Also in Hawaii, coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

In Idaho, it is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

Also in Idaho, riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

In Illinois, you must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

Also in Illinois, the English language is not to be spoken.

In Indiana, baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

Also in Indiana, a man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

In Iowa, it is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

Also in Iowa, one-armed piano players must perform for free.

:D

[Diplomat]

:D

Also in Illinois, the English language is not to be spoken. Man, I can't tell you how many times I've broken that law. :)
Also in Georgia, all sex toys are banned. Here's probably why laws like that remain on the books. They are obviously not enforcible. But to repeal such a law would require a politician to actually bring attention to it. But if a politician does that, he would be seen as liking sex toys, so he would risk becoming less popular and possibly losing the next election. And so they never do anything about them. The same is true about laws regarding sexual behavior. What politician would want to have some effort of repealing a law against oral sex on his record?

[goddessofnin]

What about laws about not being able to fish from the back of a giraffe? That one is in Iowa I think...

[Diplomat]

Well, I don't know about those. I guess they are a result of rulings in court cases. It would probably take another court challenge for those laws to be removed.

[goddessofnin]

hehehe

Well, at least laws like that provide us with amusement.

Another law in Chicago is that spitting in public is unlawful... *snicker* you know because nobody in Chicago spits in public... *rofl*

[HEffie]

Gobs, is what you mean most likely...that's usually how people do it, while hacking their smoke filled lungs out :D .

[goddessofnin]

In Kansas, if two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Also in Kansas, no one may catch fish with his bare hands.

In Kentucky, throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison.

Also in Kentucky, one may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

In Louisiana, one could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise.

Also in Louisiana, it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

And, another in Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

[Diplomat]

Most of those actually make sense. :) The first Louisiana one sounds like it violates the first amendment.

[goddessofnin]

I actually don't understand why it would be illegal to catch fish with one's bare hands.... in some cultures that's training in discipline....

[goddessofnin]

In Maine, shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

Also in Maine, you may not step out of a plane in flight...

And after January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up in Maine.

--

In Maryland, thistles may not grow in one's yard.

--

In Massachusetts, at a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Also in Massachusetts, snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

And: A woman can not be on top in sexual activities, in Massachusetts.

--

*sigh*

[Diplomat]

Heh. I wonder when was the last time anyone was charged for breaking one of those laws.

I actually don't understand why it would be illegal to catch fish with one's bare hands.... in some cultures that's training in discipline.... I guess it's for the fish catcher's protection. One might slip and drown while doing that. Also, it might pollute the water, with people having to stand in the water with their equipment.

[HEffie]

It might also endanger the wildlife around or cause it irregular eating patterns.

[goddessofnin]

But that applies to all fishing, really...

[violinmaestro001]

Also in Georgia, all sex toys are banned.
boy is that a lie. LAst year i went to Atlanta to a "guys only party" for a friend of mines before wedding party. After words we ended up in a sex toy shop. did i see so many interesting "sex toys" as they call it. that store was the size of a "Publix" grocery store (food lion ) up north would be the equivalent.

[goddessofnin]

It might be an outdated law... the website didn't say, but it does sometimes say when laws have been repealed.

[goddessofnin]

In Michigan:

A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.

Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.

AND:

No man may seduce and corrupt an unmarried girl, or else he risks five years in prison.

---

In Minnesota:

It is illegal to sleep naked.

All bathtubs must have feet.

It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.

AND:

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

---

In Mississippi:

Adultery or Fornication (living togeather while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

AND:

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

[note: They have a lot of sex issues in Mississippi, it seems...]
---

In Missouri:

Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

It is not illegal to speed.

AND:

It is illegal to have oral sex.
---

heehee... some of these laws are funny...

When I finish with US State laws.. I think I'll do a posting of International Laws.. :D

[violinmaestro001]

One morning a man calls the secretary of the philharmonic orchestra and aks to speak to the conductor of the orchestra.

The secretary being in joking mood responds: im sorry sir, but he passed away unexpectedly last night.

the man hangs up.

5 minutes later the man calls back asking to speak to the conductor.

The secretary responds: im sorry sir, but he passed away unexpectedly last night.

He calles about 4 more times, finally the secretary asks him if he has called a couple of times already.

The mans responds: Yes, i just cant hear you say it enough times

[violinmaestro001]

ASSTEOPOROSIS: (n.) A disease caused by torturous devices known as
rehearsal
chairs, causing excessive numbness, extreme pain, and general discomfort to
the orchestra musician's ass.

SLOG: (v.) To attempt to mentally wade through the excruciatingly tedious
and
lengthy moments of orchestra rehearsals, or in more extreme cases, actual
performances. 2. To employ a rowing motion with one's horn to the right of
one's chair, as one would an oar, to convey that one is in the process of
slogging.

SLOGFEST: (n.) Any lugubriously long period of time (i.e., a service of 2.5
hours in length) consumed by the process of slogging. Ex: This rehearsal is
a
real slogfest!"

PICKLED BEATS: (pl. n.) Unintelligible movements made by the conductor.
DIEABEATIES: (n.) A disease that conductors frequently demonstrate by
slowing
down incrementally while simultaneously instructing the orchestra not to
drag.

BARFWRITUS: (n.) A disease among composers which immobilizes their ability
to
write tasteful, palatable, or accessible music. It is quite contagious, and
in fact also induces vomiting to those forced to listen to what they write.

MEASURE NUMBLE: (n.) An unintelligible starting point uttered by the
conductor.

TREBLESHOOTING: (n.) The act undergone by a horn player to figure out why
the
%$&* s/he cannot attain a certain high note in question.

ASSMA: (n.) A respiratory condition which afflicts wind players caused by:
1.
the consecutive repetition of ultra-slow upbeats which become false starts,
or 2. spontaneous downbeats out of left field which are completely free of
any kind of preparatory beat time for breathing.

LIPPLE: (n.) The red circle which appears on a brass player's upper lip
when
s/he stops playing and actually allows the blood to recirculate back into
his
or her face.

PEELATION: (n.) The state of euphoria caused by the highlight of urination
during intermission of a slogfest.

TASHIT: (n.) 1. Any extended period of time during which a musician is
denied
the menial amusement of attempting to play his or her instrument during a
slogfest. 2. (v.) The act of crashing in (usually as a soloist) with the
next
movement's fffffffffff entrance, having overlooked the printed "TACET"
movement.

METROGNOMES: (pl. n.) The tiny, pesky creatures residing in a conductor's
undies which, upon biting their host's ass, cause random variations in tempi
which are often quite spastic.

BOWJOB: (n.) The urgent interruption of an orchestra rehearsal by the
concertmaster to pompously proclaim an emergency bowing. (editors note to
concertmasters: this is socially acceptable as long as it's a really good
bowjob)

TURTLENECROPHILIA: (n.) A common disorder among conductors involving an
unnatural compulsion to wear turtlenecks at all times.

[goddessofnin]

hahahaha!!!

I think the metrognomes are the best!!

[goddessofnin]

but I cannot think of any at the moment...

I'll come back later when I do...

[beoneknight]

we should all write jokes collectively: i.e., we write them one line at a time!

i'll start:

:::::

knock knock!!!


::::

ok, someone else continue

[goddessofnin]

... said one breast to the other...

(That's why we call 'em "knockers"!!)

*rofl* Ok, ok... that was dumb.. sorry!!!

:D

[goddessofnin]

I am posting something my friend sent to me... I think it's pretty funny:

Here is a listing of the top 10 worst domain names for companies that actually exist.
Like the first is Who Represents... third is Pen Island... but read how they have come out.

Top 10 Worst Actual Domain Names


1. www.whorepresents.com

2. www.expertsexchange.com

3. www.penisland.net

4. www.therapistfinder.com

5. www.powergenitalia.com

6. www.molestationnursery.com

7. www.ipanywhere.com

8. www.cummingfirst.com

9. www.speedofart.com

10. www.gotahoe.com

[Diplomat]

ROFL! Some of those aren't unintentional letter combinations. I mean, Cumming First United Methodist Church?

[goddessofnin]

A friend of mine shared this with me... hehehehe :D

1) Did you fart? 'Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? 'Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea... I can't hold it in!!

4) Do you have a library card? 'Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? 'Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room over here.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[HEffie]

hahahhahaha number 8, all the way!!! I'm so easily won over:)